T Minus 1 Day

I was looking through my journal today and found this entry. I wrote this the day before Dan died. Although he was sick and on hospice, his death still seemed sudden because he was very much himself, even while confined to his bed. The month he spent here on hospice felt like limbo because he seemed to stabilize once he got home and I think all of us closest to him had convinced ourselves that he might be around longer than we thought we could hope for. We were immensely blessed to have that time with him, but reading this made me remember how confusung that time was because I didn't know what to expect. "So, I find myself feeling disoriented.  Dan knows how I feel.  Dan has brain tumors that are trying to kill him and with all the meds he's on, he has begun to have a hard time distinguishing dreams or hallucinations from reality.  I've watched him wake up and be so confused and upset because he's not sure what is real, what is a dream, if it's night or day...a scary and frustrating feeling. When I stop long enough to try and figure out where I am these days, I find myself emotionally, spiritually and relationally disoriented.  Is my old life over? What will the new one look like? Am I a wife, a caretaker, a widow? Am I sad, hopeful, in despair, numb? Is God quietly observing, is He sad, is He pulling me to himself, is He nudging me forward, am I doing this right?" Still not sure if I'm doing this right and some days I'm convinced I am most certainly NOT doing this right. But I know what the answer is, 'Everyone grieves differently and there is no 'right' way'. Well, that's a frustrating answer for a perfectionist who is very hard on herself. One thing I am trying to do better is let people in on my grief...let people help me. That's why I'm blogging, to let people in. So...come on in. Be warned, it's messy in here...