Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year is coming at an interesting time for me.  I say this because I've done so much thinking lately about what kind of mom I am.  I thought I had emerged from a fog months ago and even blogged about it, but after having come through the first year, I think it's only now I feel I really am seeing things a little more clearly and I'm able to honestly evaluate my parenting over this last year. Overall, I am giving myself some grace and saying that, given the circumstances, I did okay.  Basically, our ship sank and I was getting my kids into the life boat, intending to assess our situation once I could get myself into the boat.  I have been a mom for almost 16 years now and I would like to think I've grown in that time, but I am more aware after this year of how much growing I have to do.  When my oldest was a toddler, someone I really respected told me I should have lots of kids because I was doing such a good job--oh SURE, who couldn't do a good job with one very low maintenance girl with a sweet, cooperative temperament (so much like her Daddy).  I now realize she was just born that way and allowed me to pretend that she needed me to parent her (wink wink). I had twin boys and a singleton boy after my girl and although I love them with all my heart and they are good boys, it took all we had to outwit, outplay and outlast those guys.  IT WAS HARD!  As our family grew, my confidence as a parent shrank. With 4 different personalities developing (added to the 2 adult personalities already present in our home), parenting did not seem like so much of a slam dunk anymore.  As medical issues and autism crept into our lives, I knew for a fact that I did NOT have this all figured out.  I WILL give the Dan & Linda parenting team some props because I think we did pretty well considering what a full parenting plate we had.  We were a united front and truly worked together to give our kids the parents they needed.  We had our individual weaknesses, but where one would begin to fail, the other would step in and take over.  It was a well oiled machine for the most part with Christ at the center of it all because we knew we could do none of it without Him.  Obviously, since Dan died, I am left here with the responsibility of finishing this colossal task of raising our kids.  I am indescribably blessed with family who live minutes away to help me and they are the most amazing people--I have asked for so much help from them this year and they have gone out of their way to be there for me and for the kids.  They are a priceless treasure in our lives.  However, the parenting buck stops with me and at this point in our family's journey, I am now forced to reinvent myself as a parent.  This parenting solo thing has been one of the biggest adjustments in this first year without Dan.  Even on my best days of parenting alongside Dan, I realize now that I always had a back-up and I operated as only half of the parenting machine--in fact, Dan was such a great dad that I sometimes wonder if I was even half!  Being both parents is  E X H A U S T I N G.  No good cop for my bad cop--I have to figure out how to be both.  No one there when I'm at my wits' end to say "I'll take it from here, go take a break.". Maybe some people never have that, but I did.  I am sad to think of the impatience and frustration my kids have witnessed from me while I figure this single parenting thing out...sad to think of the times I have clung to control of my out of control environment at the expense of grace for 4 sweet kids who are feeling just as out of control as I am...sad to think of the opportunities I have given up to experience simple pleasures with my kids like a board game or a silly tv show or a lame knock knock joke because I had to keep the household running smoothly...no more.  No more dwelling on what I could have done better because I was, for the most part, doing the best I could.  No more feeling overwhelmed by single parenting.  I am ready to move forward, humbly.  I never was a perfect parent and neither was Dan--even with both of us here, we messed up sometimes.  I am thankful that through losing Dan, God is showing me weaknesses I don't think I would have ever seen otherwise.  If I can't see my weaknesses, I can't get stronger.  Most importantly, I want to show my kids that my weaknesses are perfect opportunities to let God carry me and grow me up.  That seems a little contradictory, but it's when we are empty that He can fill us up. So we've kept the life boat afloat for a year and now we're approaching dry land.  I am certain I have not made my last parenting mistake, but maybe I can make fewer and keep learning from the ones I do make.  Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful, imperfect, evolving moms I know!