Big Tex, The Holidays and Spring

Ok, I will come right out and admit that the title of this post is all over the place.  All you type A's just stay with me and it will all fit together in a fairly neat package. It's just that I haven't posted in so long that alot has happened.   When I sat down to write this, I found a half-written post that I had started back in October when the State Fair of Texas was in full swing.  It has been almost six months since then, but I know why I never finished that post.  FIRSTS. I was overwhelmed with FIRSTS to the point that I really didn't have it in me to blog - only survive. Starting with the first State Fair any of us would attend without Dan, October kicked off a relentless series of FIRSTS.  The list continued with the standard firsts...Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's....it continued with our wedding anniversary on January 4th and my birthday on January 15th.  By the time February 8th rolled around (1 year since he died) I felt exhausted. I also felt relieved that we had survived all the FIRSTS.   I should offer a little explanation as to why Big Tex and The State Fair would even be considered significant and ranked among the other obvious FIRSTS.  I mean, it's a hot, crowded, expensive, smelly event with gross fried stuff everywhere and people pressuring you to buy a ShamWow or a hot tub or something else you never knew you needed until you got there, right?  Not for Dan! I will never understand the spell Big Tex had on Dan, but that man LOVED The Great State Fair of Texas. He had gone every year for as long as he could remember and he had seen every show and knew where everything was and it NEVER got old for him.  You could not go to The Fair with Dan and not enjoy yourself.  He was like a big kid there and once he had his own kids to take to The Fair, it was like a Lion King circle of life moment for him!  Really.  Not even kidding.  I must say it was kind of fitting that Big Tex burned down the year Dan died.  Almost like a tribute to the most dedicated fan The Fair had ever seen.  Dan had already been diagnosed when he took the kids to The Fair in 2011.  I couldn't go with them because I was working that day...regret...but I remember him being very emotional when they got home that evening.  He said it was the last time he'd be able to take the kids or go to The Fair himself.  I had hoped he was wrong, but, of course, he wasn't.   When The Fair rolled around in 2012, I felt the pressure to continue the tradition and take the kids myself.  I got all psyched up to brave it without Dan.  I was getting so stressed about it and I told myself it was because of the long drive and then parking and crowds and the expense of it and etc.,etc.,etc.  When I finally confided in a few dear friends about my near panic attack about The Fair, it hit me. I wasn't afraid or stressed out about the logistics of The Fair, I was afraid I could never make it the experience Dan had made it.  I knew my attempt to do The Fair would pale in comparison and I knew it would only make me miss him more.  I pictured myself walking around The Fair with the kids, trying not to cry, wishing Dan could be there with us.  Just the kind of Fair day every kid dreams of, right?  Then, one of my very wise friends said, "Who says you have to go to The Fair?"  Best. Advice. Ever.  Seriously - the thought that I was not REQUIRED to go to The Fair was so freeing.  I realized at that point that I could not possibly BE Dan.  I want to keep his memory so alive for the kids and for myself, but I am not required to BE Dan.  In fact, I can't.  I just have to be me and some of the great memories will be just that...memories.  We did not go to The Fair this time.  We survived.   That realization helped me through the holidays and all of the other FIRSTS as well.  They were hard, but not because I was putting ridiculous expectations on myself to make them wonderful.  I allowed them to flow naturally instead of trying to force them into being the almost perfect holidays minus Dan.  They were not perfect, but I found some sweet moments in all of them and learned the anticipation of them was sometimes worse than the actual FIRST. Now, jump forward and Spring is here again.  It has always been my favorite season, but I like it even more now.  It will always follow the hardest part of the year and it will always remind me that Winter does not last forever.