Roller Coaster

If you are reading this (and, clearly, you are) you have been invited to read my 'super secret' blog.  Don't you love oxymorons?  There may be more 'super secret' blogs that I don't know about because...well...they're 'super secret'.  However, my experience is that people write blogs because they have something they want to say and they want someone to know they're saying it.  In a previous post I said that I was blogging to allow people 'in' - difficult to do if I am too afraid to tell anyone this blog exists.  Imagine me holding my hand open, arm extended in front of me signaling you to STOP while at the same time my other hand is slightly behind the first hand, signaling you to proceed, to 'come on in'.  There are moments when I REALLY want to open up and let people in - to call someone and cry or rant about how much I miss Dan...how unfair it seems...how inadequate I feel...how exhausted I am...how lonely I am...how overwhelmed I am...BUT, in the next moment I wish I could go far away...by myself...with no one looking at me or asking me how I'm doing...never to speak of the unspeakable difficult topics again.  At times I feel like I will surely survive this...other times I think that someone with my name will survive this, but it won't be me anymore.  There are moments of hope when I am ready to fight, ready to rise above the pain...and lots of other moments when I'd be content to curl up in a ball and sleep for the duration.  I see a picture of Dan and it seems either that he has never left, that he will walk in any minute and I will be able to talk to him and see those eyes and hear his voice...or that he was never here...just a really great dream I had.  This roller coaster is exhausting.  I will be so glad you read this...then I will wish you hadn't...