#authentic

Lately, my Instagram feed is a gallery of dreamy nature pictures. They serve as a serene backdrop for scripture I have read and needed in that moment. I post these verses because they speak comfort or wisdom into my life.  Maybe I post them because I long to be in those faraway, beautiful, ‘not in my real life’ places. I post them thinking maybe someone else might also be in need of the same message--everybody’s going through something, right?  If I'm being honest, I will admit that I also post them as a telegraphic state of the person address. I’m not the only person who uses social media to send out a status report, support (or protest) a cause, make an attempt to connect with folks, cry out for acknowledgement of pain, ask for help. Some people are subtle about it. Some not so subtle. I'd like to think I'm subtle, but it's not hard to peruse my Instagram and figure out something may be troubling me.  Something kinda bad happened to me lately.  Details aren’t necessary or fun to go over, but suffice it to say that I find myself reeling from another major bump in this road I’m on.  No one died, but I am having to grieve another loss.  Grief.  Again.  This grief is different just as this loss is different.  Some of my grief resume’ is coming in handy and I am using skills I discovered and honed during my first real bout with grief.  But still, loss is loss and grief is grief and it’s never pretty or easy. And you can't bypass grief just because you've done it before.  In response to this latest loss, I took a picture of an old, established tree in my backyard.  I doctored it up a bit with a filter because the picture was too dark and finished it off with Proverbs 31:25, ‘She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.’  I do love that verse. And I got the response I desired.  Several ‘likes’ and sweet comments expressing love for me and mutual appreciation for the message in the verse.  One friend commented, “High five fist bump squeezy tight hug tears in eyes head thrown back yelling yesssss” which another friend piggybacked with “What she said!! Love you so much!!!”  Mission accomplished, right?  Dreamy Instagram picture + scripture for the win! But something was not sitting right with me.  I knew that how I felt on the inside did not match Proverbs 31:25.  Does not match it. At least not consistently and for sure not lately. I wanted to own the enthusiasm my friends had but I just couldn't. Not with authenticity.  My ‘strength and dignity’ clothes are ill-fitting, like a tiny girl in dress up clothes, and although I do laugh sometimes, I also fear the future sometimes.  Let me be clear, this scripture is TRUTH.  I am not refuting that this is God’s plan for me.  I’m just being naked honest and saying that I’m not walking around with a big smile on my face, kicking grief’s butt and taking names.  I’m hurting.  I’m insecure.  I’m sad.  I’m angry.  I’m confused. I’m tired.  And here’s why I’m pouring all of this out into the cyberworld.  Because I believe that MY job in this life--this crazy, super-eventful, sometimes resembling a Hallmark channel movie life--is to be vulnerable enough to draw others toward the only Light I have found to save us all.  Jesus.  I never want to portray myself as some kind of grief goddess who can weather all of life’s storms with a twinkle in her eye and a clever joke to make everything better.  Life is so messy and I couldn’t even begin to tell you how to clean it up with your own strength.  I’m doing the best I can and praying that any heartache I experience is recycled and used for good.  I’ve seen it happen. God’s word guides me, sustains me, teaches me, challenges me, saves me.  It’s more than a bite-sized meme I use to fit my mood or situation.  I have to devour it and let God knead it into who I am, during good times and bad times, so he can make me who He wants me to be.  Sometimes what I read there about who I am to be, like in Proverbs 31, seems unattainable. It’s not, but it’s a process.  I’m getting there, but I have not arrived.  “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” Jeremiah 17: 7-8.  This verse would look nice on my Instagram tree picture.  It will also look nice on my life. I decided to go in my backyard and take another picture. This time of a sapling, no filters. I feel more like this right now. A sapling planted right where God wants me, trusting Him to take care of me and provide everything I need so that my roots get deeper and deeper. Patiently awaiting the fruit that only He can produce in me and around me. In His time and with His strength.